bad body image days
I remember when I started to really get to know my body how I would stare at it in the mirror and be completely lost on how I was supposed to love it. I grew up how most of us grew up in a female body, learning how to hate it more than anything. I was supposed to not eat any fat, wear a size 00, have perfectly straight hair, not sweat so much, and not take up so much space. I remember refusing to wear shorts because my thighs were “so big”. And you were crazy if you thought I was about to do anything other than slick my hair back into a pony tail (these curls were meant to be hidden). My hair closely resembled an untamed lion’s mane after lice checks in school, and I’ll never forget the pit in my stomach I would have from this silly procedure.
When I think back to the comments I received about my body from a very young age, I cringe. Because honestly, wtf were people thinking?! My cross country coach told me I resembled a “working horse” while my teammate was a “lean, graceful and beautiful pony”. I used to tie a shirt around my waist every day in the lunchroom after a friend told me what was being said as I walked by. At this point, I was 13. I was already VERY versed in how to critique my body. I knew exactly what to say to my body to prevent me from being its friend.
And so many of us do this, we walk around talking about our body as if the words we’re saying don’t matter and as if our younger generations can’t hear us. We act towards our own bodies how we would never even think of acting towards our friends’. We constantly search for ways to change what we see in the mirrored reflection instead of creating a sacred inner world that celebrates how beautiful and perfect we are, exactly how we are.
I’m not here to tell you that you need to love everything about your body, every single day. I think that’s unrealistic and sets us up for shame. But I am here to tell you that it is possible to still provide compassion to yourself on the days you’re struggling. And I’m here to tell you that becoming a better friend to myself is the single most transformative thing I’ve ever done, and it’s available to all of us, not just the “lucky” ones.
And I'm also here to provide some things that you can start to focus on when you’re having a day where the voices of hate are winning the battle of what you pay attention to. Here are some of the things I do myself, and also help my clients work towards on these days:
Stop. Fighting. The. Outfit. Seriously, stop forcing yourself to wear things that you don’t feel comfortable in. Wear whatever doesn’t make you cringe. This can sound so obvious on the days where we’re feelin’ good, but it’s not always as obvious on the days we aren’t. So, if you need to get comfy AF, do it! It’s 112 degrees outside and you want to wear sweatpants so that your legs don’t show? I think that’s perfect! Outfits can make us think about our body all day long, especially when we’re wearing one we don’t feel confident in…so wear whatever makes you think about it the LEAST.
Be realistic about your expectations for the day. This is not the day to force yourself to do a bunch of things just because you “should”. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to take a break. Just like you would care for yourself if you had the flu, you can take time to care for yourself when your brain isn’t feeling good, too. This might mean you don’t finish the laundry, or make it to that dinner party. It might also mean that you call the one friend who you feel good around for lunch. A good way to move through these days (but also every day TBH) is to constantly be asking “What would I like to do next?” or “What do I need in this moment?”.
Move your body. No, you don’t have to go for a HIIT workout (unless you want to). But, some kind of movement truly will help your body release this energy. Even if it’s just a walk to the corner of the block, some marching in place by your counter, or some air squats before you go into the office. Physically moving your body will literally help move the energy OUT. We want to get the energy to leave our body, not to continue to be stored in it.
Remember that not everyone is deserving of your internal world. TOO MANY times I have watched myself, and others, seek advice or validation from people we know will not make us feel better. Or from people we know don’t know how to care for us in the way we need. I cannot stress this one enough, be picky about who gets to hear your thoughts when you’re feeling down. It’s like I was running into a brick wall by trying to find advice from people I wouldn’t normally ask for advice from. Like, we wouldn’t ask someone who’s never heard of baseball to teach us the game…so why are we looking for answers about being a friend to our bodies from people who don’t know how to be a friend to theirs?
Know that you are worthy of support. You do NOT need to do this alone. I don’t care who you are or where you’re from, you deserve to have help along the way. There is no one that has to walk this road alone. Maybe you’re an adult who didn’t have the examples growing up, or maybe you’re 13 right now just trying to hate yourself a little less…you deserve to have someone in your corner, someone to guide you. I know I would not be where I am today without the women along my path who have helped me, and I will do everything I can to make it so that our younger generations know nothing but free women, who freely give love and compassion to their bodies.
I know this road is not always easy. I know from personal experience that it sometimes feels like you’ll never get out of the dark days…and I also know from personal experience that there is a way out, if you want one. I like to try and focus on how some of our cultural norms are changing, how being strong is viewed as amazing more often than “manly” (in my little corner of the world anyway"), how taking time to care for your mental health is just as important as your physical health…but it is not lost on me that not everyone is afforded this luxury.
And so all I can do is continue to provide my body FIRST with compassion, and understanding, and a commitment to continue to get to know it. And second, to provide others with a friend that will walk beside them on this journey towards freedom. And that’s all you can do, too. YOU come first; we cannot help others be free within themselves if we are not first free ourselves.
If today is one of those days where you’re just not feelin’ it (or even if you are feelin’ it), be kind to yourself. I hope you find comfort knowing that the friendship you build with yourself is one that will be lifelong if only you’re willing to learn how to nurture it. And I hope you know that if you need someone in your corner, I got you.
and I said to my body. softly. ‘I want to be your friend’. and it took a long breath, and replied
‘I have been waiting my whole life for this.’
-Nayyirah Waheed
